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Why You Should Not Badmouth Your Ex?

IN most relationships, when things don’t end on a happy note, what’s left is dejection, hurt, resentment and heartbreak. How you decide to channel these emotions can determine how fast you heal emotionally. However, is taking a mature stand demanding a lot from a person who is heartbroken? The answer to this question varies according to the individual and the situation she is dealing with.
Sonia Walia, a travel executive says, “When my ex cheated on me, I went through a phase of anger, resentment and self-pity. I lashed out at him and indulged in gossip sessions with my gal pals, as I used that as a way to get back at him for what he had done to me. However, now that I look back, I realise I should have handled the situation with more dignity. Easier said than done because when emotions are involved, logic takes a backseat.”
In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said that his marriage to actor Jennifer Aniston contributed to his bored state at that time. Though he retracted his comments later and claimed that his words were misunderstood, the damage control came a bit too late. We tell you why you should not follow in his footsteps.
Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, says, “When a relationship falls apart, a mature individual instinctively chooses to keep the details confidential, while there are a few who go to town mud-slinging each other.” Clinical psychologist and traumatologist Dr Seema Hingorrany, adds, “Relationships require hard work. When a couple invests emotionally in their relationship, there’s an obvious sense of loss and a sinking void when the relationship is over. This often causes emotional turbulence and thus anger and resentment simmer like lava. What people need to remember is that mud-slinging will only reflect badly on themselves. The best thing to do is put the negative feelings aside and start over.”
Chulani says, “People need to understand that they don’t need to justify to others what went wrong in the relationship. If you meet or run into your ex, the best thing to do is to stick to pleasantries and move on. If you have common friends, who bring up the topic at a get together, politely tell them that you would not like to discuss this topic as it’s extremely private and ask them to respect that.”
It’s not advisable to discuss your relationship with everyone or say any bad things about your ex behind his back. They are bound to find out sooner or later, and it doesn’t make you look like a very nice person. Also consider, out of respect for yourself and your ex, that you probably don’t want everyone to know your business. Refrain from engaging in battles of one-upmanship. If you don’t have anything good to say about your ex, don’t say anything at all. Learn to focus your anger on positive outlets.
* Reasons why people badmouth their ex :-
1] Self-defence: In most cases, badmouthing an ex is a self-defence mechanism.
2] Pointing fingers: We generally have the habit of pointing fingers at everyone else but ourselves.
3] Elevate self-worth: Putting someone down makes us feel better, so we use that as a way to get back at our exes and increase our own self worth in our eyes and in the eyes of everyone else.
4]Playing the sympathy card: Making ourselves the martyr is a way to get support and sympathy from people around us.


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